Liz Crosby

For I will consider my new mobile
For it possesses twenty-seven mysterious functions that my old one did not
For - although I am no slouch - its programming completely defeats me
For the accompanying booklet, though extensive, might as well be written in
For it also appears to omit the basic instruction i.e. how to make a call
For therefore I ask my teenage daughter to provide assistance
For this she performs in ten degrees

For firstly she rolls her eyes and sighs dramatically at my incompetence
For secondly she seizes the phone from me, tossing aside the booklet
For thirdly she explains it all v- e- r- y- s- l- o- w- l- y
For fourthly she then programs the thing so that I cannot follow
For fifthly she hands it over saying it's ok now
For sixthly she mutters sad when I still need clarification
For seventhly she grabs it back saying give it here then I'll test it out for you
For eighthly when she wanders in again I realise she has been chatting to her friends on it for
over an hour
For ninthly when I remonstrate - quite mildly - she shrugs and says
For tenthly she has now wound me up completely and I am still none the

For kids today seem to be born understanding these devices
For they seem unable to exist, let alone function, without them
For any passing Martian would think they were a new species, part human,
part Bluetooth

For now I am exasperated with the whole business and chuck the phone
straight into my bag

For when I receive my first call the next morning I discover that the ringtone
is not 'The Magic Flute' I have requested
For it is 'Dance Wiv Me' by Dizzee Rascal
For an important business meeting is not the best place to find this out…

With acknowledgement to Christopher Smart and his cat, Jeoffrey

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